three blue fish

"Dmitri" up at Smokelong

2010-05-11T00:27:00.001-05:00

"The Life and Times of Dmitri Kulikov" is the Smokelong story of the week. The image is by Bill Ripley, of Another New Calligraphy.

"p.a. chic" is up at Apex

2010-02-01T08:24:00.001-06:00

"p.a. chic" is live at Apex Magazine, "Where Science Fiction and Horror Collide." It's my first publication that qualifies for membership in SFWA. Sweet.

Time Out

2009-07-02T11:09:00.003-05:00

There's an article in Time Out's book section about Another New Calligraphy. And my book (and of course, the other projects they've done, but I'm going to go ahead and be selfish).

An Implausibility of Gnus from ANC

2009-06-18T15:57:00.002-05:00

!!!

My collection of stories is officially for sale from Another New Calligraphy.

And it looks amazing...

My Very First Interview

2009-06-09T00:52:00.001-05:00

Interview, with me, by Orange Alert Press.

June Readings

2009-05-29T18:51:00.003-05:00

I'm doing 4 readings in June:

1) Tuesday June 2, 9pm, held at Ronny’s, 2101 N California Ave. (see poster below)

2) Tuesday June 9, 7pm, at Quickies!, held at the Innertown Pub, 1935 W Thomas

3) Friday June 26, 7pm, held at Quimby’s, 1854 W North Ave

4) Sunday June 28, 5pm, What to Wear During an Orange Alert, held at The Whister, 2421 N Milwaukee Avenue

Bum Steer

2009-02-18T11:43:00.001-06:00

Good title!

Up at Pure Francis right now. I like this story, if I do say so myself.

Obamartist

2009-01-26T18:47:00.000-06:00

Much of the clamor arises from anticipation stirred by Mr. Obama’s campaign remarks about the importance of the arts. One of the few candidates with an arts platform, he called for a young “artist corps” to work in low-income schools and neighborhoods; affordable health care and tax benefits for artists; and efforts at cultural diplomacy, like dispatching artist-ambassadors to other countries.

Full NYTimes article

Dorothy Parker Makes My Heart Sing

2009-01-25T10:32:00.005-06:00

As you probably know, I like Dorothy Parker. I even named my cat after her.

But you may or may not know that I hate "On the Road." I think it's an awful book, with awful writing, that it's about absolutely nothing, and that it doesn't deserve 1/100th the respect it gets. And I think the other "great works" of that movement are no better.

Well, recently a brilliant friend found some Studs Terkel interviews on CD, one of which was with Mrs. Parker, from 1959. She had this to say:

Studs Terkel: Chicago was invaded last week by three Beat Generation poets—

Dorothy Parker: Ah yes.

ST: —and would you mind, since you read a great many books, this is part of your job for Esquire, your feeling about seemingly outspoken poets, writers, who represent this.

DP: I don’t know what they’re speaking out about. I know they’re speaking, they’re speaking all the time, as we sit here, at least they’re putting something down on paper—it isn’t writing—but it’s something they’re doing. But I don’t know what they’re so brave about. You read their books, and the description of their lives, it’s so monotonous, the things they do. And I don’t know why they’re so revolutionary, that was all done a long time ago.

ST: So you feel there’s nothing new really that they’re saying.

DP: Nothing at all. The Beat Boys I don’t think are saying anything on Earth except “look at us, aren’t we great.” I don’t think the Beat Generation is worth much worrying about. I should say, oh very soon, in the very near future, they’ll be as forgotten as Mahjong.

If only she'd been right about their being forgotten!

Praise for Fiction at Work

2009-01-22T21:26:00.001-06:00

I was very happy to find this little post.

Reading Series

2009-01-06T18:05:00.003-06:00

Both The Parlor and Quickies! were listed by New City Chicago on their Top 5 New Recurring Reading Series, and Quickies! was named Best Reading Series by Time Out Chicago.

Why does this make so happy? Because I'm the mascot for Quickies!, and I work for the Green Lantern, which hosts The Parlor. Duh.

Pretty cool, right?

Marmal is the Sometimes

2008-12-04T21:22:00.003-06:00

It's been a rather long time since I've posted anything, and this is a good one.

My Mini-Book is out! Download it! Then print it! Then read it! Hurray! The ketchup is amazing!

Glad I'm not the only one who wonders

2008-10-12T12:16:00.000-05:00

Why Tip?

It's Always Sunny in Citizens Bank Park

2008-10-10T17:07:00.001-05:00

Why do the damn Phillies keep winning! I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them!

How Boring is Life for The Non-Science (nonsense) People?

2008-09-29T23:30:00.004-05:00

Ok, so, I don't really believe in God. Certainly not in the classical sense anyway. And I think The Bible is just another book. And really, just that. Another book. Not even a particularly exciting or beautiful book. I think the "The Bible May Not Be True, But it's Full of Beautiful Stories and Writing" line is a b.s. line. The most notable thing about The Bible is that it's old. And I think most organized religions (ok, fine, ALL organized religions) are 90% crapola--a smattering of genuine community, support, and togetherness, in a package of fundraising, brainwashing, closed-mindedness, and ignorance. But none of that is what REALLY galls me about the God-People, the Church-People. It's the way science is pushed out of their lives (and if they had it their way, all of our lives).

What do the fundamentalists do with this article?

They can't accept it, can they, because the Earth wasn't around that many millions of years ago. And it's so sad for them. They're missing out on the greatest things our species has to offer: ingenuity, reason, art, logic. Those things (and other things I can't think of right now). Those things make our species important. It's certainly not our compassion. It's certainly not our helpfulness. Even wolves (wolves for fuck's sake! The most demonized species ever!) support the old and sick by regurgitating food for them, just as they do for the young. And killer whales (KILLER! whales) slow down for sick members of the pod, and help them get to the surface to breathe. But for us, for the mean angry humans, supporting the sick and poor is socialist and wrong.

So all we have left is science and art. Those are the things that make us cool. And the God dorks miss out on it. God creating the universe--and God creating people--isn't exciting. A creature, any creature--God, or a person, or otherwise--doing something they are capable of doing, isn't a miracle. It's normal.

Example #1

A: I give a bunch of computer parts to a computer savvy friend of mine
B: S/He builds a computer

Not interesting. Not a miracle.

Example #2

A: I toss a bunch of computer parts in a closet
B: I come back in 50 years and a computer has assembled all by itself

Wildy interesting. Totally a miracle.

If God is capable of creating a universe, and then creates a universe, so what? If there is nothing, and the universe, and all the creatures in it, spring up randomly--...--...whoa.

Sweet McGillicutty. I gotta go the museaum. Field, and Science & Industry, and Art Institute, and MCA. Now.

Toby is Being Crushed Under the Weight of His Own Success

2008-09-22T15:45:00.004-05:00

I have, at the moment, a number of jobs. The number is four (4).

1) I run my website. This job is fun (mostly), and doesn't take up too much time. It is also unpaid.

2) I also work at the Green Lantern, doing some editing (and other things, as they need doing). This job is fun, and comes complete with a cool bunch of people, who are all very fun to know. It is unpaid.

3) I teach. I guess. I guess I teach. I'm not sure what I do exactly, but I'm pretty sure I'm not qualified to do it. It's more ESL than Composition, and it's not a role I ever planned for myself. It is, however, paid, and looks my-t-fine on the ole' resume (pronounced "reh-zoom").

4) I do QA for the internets learnin' folks. This job is also fairly fun, though I've only done it for 2 days now. It is also paid at a reasonable rate, and comes with a nice group of people.

And now, I have an interview coming up for an Editor position at a magazine for an animal rights agency. It's not a guarantee that I'll get it or anything, but should I even bother trying? Can I have five (5!) jobs? Even with all this work I'm not making a ton of money, so I wouldn't mind making a little more. But would I die? I might actually die. It might actually kill me to have so little free time. And I'm doing pretty much zero (0) writing as it is. Would there be even a slight chance of my doing any writing if I had another job?

On the other hand, the QA job, though it might turn into something permanent or long term, it technically a contractor position, and might last just a few months. And the teaching gig won't pay me over the winter or summer, and who knows if I'll get hired again for next term anyway. Plus, the hideous grad school loans need to be repaid starting in January. So maybe I should just be miserable for a while and make all kinds of monies while I can.

I mean, it's good, right, to have two paying jobs during a recession, with the possibility of a third? Right? Right?

I'm dyin' here.

Can't it be summer again?

Nothing Like Preparing for Class to Make Me Want to Blog

2008-09-13T14:42:00.002-05:00

Play "Find the Cat"

When it Rains, It Floods

2008-09-13T13:47:00.002-05:00

Often, here in Chicago, rain means flood. And it doesn't take all that much rain. After an hour or two, many street corners are completely under water.

Well, it's now been two days of rain, and many street corners are indeed under water. But for the first time since I've been here, my street is actually all the way under water--even the middle of the street, the highest part of the street, is under water.

And it really sucks for that guy who just rode through it on a scooter.

That's What You Get for Following Directions

2008-09-13T12:07:00.004-05:00

It was Eric's 30th birthday last night, and we went to WhirlyBall. It was a lot of fun.

The guy said to make sure our seatbelts were tight. I made mine tight. And the metal buckle dug into me. And whenever there was a collision it really hurt.

And now I have this:

I'll Tell You Where to Park it

2008-09-09T01:00:00.002-05:00

So, I'm a real estate tourist, of sorts. I like to roam around the online listings, see what's around, look at the $10 million homes, the $20 million homes, and look at floorplans. Floorplans are my favorite. I can look at floor plans for hours. I have looked at floor plans for hours. Just look at the rooms and the layout, and imagine how to use that space.

But the descriptions can be good, too. Well, "good" is the wrong word. The floorplans inspire thought. The descriptions--they're just funny. Like this one, that I came across today, in the New York Times. Here's my favorite part:

Six south-facing rooms create a splendid one hundred foot expanse looking out onto a sun-flooded, tree-lined, landmarked street with beautiful townhouse views and glimpses of Riverside Park.

Yeah. Sweet. I do love me a glimpse of park.

Worst Day of Sports and Athletics Ever

2008-09-07T20:49:00.003-05:00

1: Nadal lost to Andy Murray. I have nothing against Murray. Let me just say that. But I love Nadal. He is good, he is great, he signs lots of autographs while other players stalk away cranky. I have seen it with my own eyes. I wanted him to win today. Really, really wanted him to win. But he lost.

2. The Mets lost their first game against the Phillies. This is terrible because the Mets and Phillies are close, close, close in the pennant race. And after this loss, the Mets are only 1 game ahead. They are currently winning the second game of today’s double header, and they’d better win it. Getting swept by the Phillies is just…just…bleck.

3. I got a flat. Guess where I got the flat? On Damen. Where else? I hate Damen. The other day, going home after The Parlor, I hit a bump on Damen so big my bike lock flew out of its holder and bounced down the street. The lock was ok, but the clasp on the holder will never be the same. Now I have to use a bungee cord. So of course it was Damen that got me again. Here’s what happened:

Mile 1.19: Tire (to be specific, it’s the back tire—lucky me) goes flat at Damen & Fullerton, just before the bridge, with a mere 3 of the 4.15 miles to go. There had been a bus just in front of me, and I couldn’t catch it. Bugger. Walked the bike over the bridge, and up to Diversey/Elston. Considered jogging with the bike to speed up the trip but then saw

Mile 1.71: a gas station. Got some change to use the air pump, and pumped that sucker up firm. Pedaled like a mother fucker, trying to get as far as I could before it was flat again. I squeezed the tire at each stop sign and red light, and it was starting to get a little soggy, but I made it to

Mile 3.2: Irving Park/Lincoln/Damen, which was the goal. Because just a block and a half up from that intersection is

Mile 3.39: the Easy Rider Bike Shop, who have an air hose that comes out of the base of their storefront, with free air. Pumped that sucker up again, and made it to

Mile 4.15: home. Don’t know when I’ll have time to fix it. Damn you Damen!

On the plus side, Delgado just hit his second home run, giving the Mets a 5-2 lead.

Green Lantern Blog

2008-09-03T10:50:00.002-05:00

So lately I've been contributing to the Green Lantern Blog (though not as much as some other people). Yesterday there was a post about Sarah Palin, a post perhaps somewhat crude in nature, but not really all the bad, in the grand scheme of things.

However, it did seem to upset a few people. For real. But I think their upset is sort of funny.

Over and Over

2008-08-16T22:05:00.007-05:00

Ah, Family Guy. Always good to know I'm not the only one who hates movies that show the same explosion over and over again from different angles.

Ok, so I tried to embed it, but it was too big, and covered up the menus on the right side of the site. It was weird and ugly. I tried changing the width of the object, but that made it look funny, so I'll just link to it.

This Publicity Will Change Your Life

2008-08-14T23:49:00.003-05:00

My story is up at This Zine Will Change Your Life, (yeah!) and Mr. Tanzer gave it some nice praise in the email he sent announcing the new issue. It's nice when people say nice things (well, duh). Thanks Ben (and crew)!

Then I saw an ad for a book, in the current New Yorker. I tried to find an image of it online, but I couldn't, and I don't have a scanner. The ad said,

Imagine The Sopranos... with Snakes!

Now, I guess it would be nice to have a book out with a company big enough to do advertising in the New Yorker, but, well, not if I had to have my book described like that.

What Are They Kidding?

2008-08-14T13:11:00.002-05:00

This headline is a little too Oniony

Cindy McCain is Injured by a Handshake

Johnny just can't catch a break, can he? Ha ha ha.

It's About Time

2008-08-14T12:55:00.002-05:00

There are a few benefits to a sluggish economy and high gas prices:

Trains

&

Fewer Drivers (i.e. fewer dead drivers)

Toby Fixes a Flat

2008-08-06T17:38:00.003-05:00

Well, the title should really be, Toby Attempts to Fix a Flat. I don't know if the fix will work yet.

My bike got a flat last night. More of a slow leak.

Rode to dinner. After dinner, the front tire was flat. Crappers. Fortunately, Kate had a pump in her car which was only a few blocks away, and she pumped up my tire. Thanks Kate!

The tire stayed inflated the whole ride home, but was flat again in the morning.

What to do? Fix it, obviously. But I didn't want to ride my bike to a shop, and have them say come back tomorrow, or something, and then have the tire go flat on the ride home. No, sir, that sounds like a bad plan. The better plan, thought I, was to take the tire off, and just bring the tire to a shop. And the even better plan, thought I, was to figure out where the puncture was, since the tube was off the wheel, anyway. So I established, registered, and opened Toby's Bike Repair Shop. So what if I don't know what I'm doing? Knowledge has never been a prerequisite for doing something, especially not in this country.

A baking pan full of water later, and the puncture was found and Sharpied.

Of course, this was all a bit silly, and a bit academic, because I don't have a bike tube repair kit. Ah, but I do have a repair kit for my self-inflating camping pad. So, you know, why not, right? I mean, come on, the puncture is tiny, tiny, tiny. So I glued it up with the glue that came with the sleeping pad.

We'll see how things look in two hours when the glue dries.

Rafa #1!

2008-08-03T17:41:00.003-05:00

He did it. Rafa will take over the number one ranking on August 18th. That puts an end to Federer's 235 week streak in the top spot. About time, too.

Lollapalooza

2008-08-02T10:10:00.006-05:00

My one day of Lollapalooza had come to an end. The first time I went was three years ago, the lineup was awesome, and I went all three days. The next year, the lineup was ok, and I went for two days. This year, the lineup is pretty weak, and I'm only going one day. Maybe that's it, huh? Seems like a pretty clear trend toward zero.

Anyway, saw the following:

Jeff Tweedy
Duffy
Gorgol Bordella
The Raconteurs
Radio Head

The Raconteurs were definitely the highlight. They were much tighter than last year.

They played:

Consoler of the Lonely
Level
You Don't Understand Me
Top Yourself
Old Enough
The Switch and the Spur
[Jam]
Steady as She Goes
Rich Kid Blues
Hold Up
Together
Riff into Blue Veins
------
Broken Boy Soldier
Many Shakes of Black
Solute Your Solution

And now to the dark side.

This is "Green Street," where you can "learn simple yet effective ways to live a life more green. This beautiful and shady spot shows what the festival is doing to minimize our environmental impact and also features real-life examples of how we can all make earth-friendlier choices every day."

And we have these nice tidbits from their website:

"We are committed to respecting the Earth and minimizing our impact at the show and beyond. In addition to our greenifying efforts at the festival, look here for tools and info to help make a difference in your own life."

"Lollapalooza is committed to lightening our load on the earth, and using our giant “microphone” to communicate the green message."

So much for all the talk:

It was disgusting. All the feet crunching the plastic made its own side-soundtrack. It made the whole thing sort of sour.

I'm Turing Into One of Those People Who Take Pictures of Every Damn Thing and Then Make Everyone Look at Them

2008-07-29T23:28:00.011-05:00

Well, at least I don't have 45 pictures from the same night out, or something, where all the pictures are so nearly identical you could put them together as a flip book. I haven't reached that stage yet.

Anyway,

I haven't seen any good dead birds lately, but I've been enjoying my new (to me) Sony Cyber-shot 4.1 mega pixel camera. There is a series of paths along the river (yes, there really is a river here, in Chicago, and one (very ridiculous) person who doesn't believe it exists can't make it go away), running from Berteau to Montrose. It was a good place to indulge my other photo-interest.

There's also a dead, old, tree along the bank which is covered in graffiti, and other markings, like this, I don't know, bear?

This is turning into a very photo-ey post, so I might as well put in some old flower pictures, taken with my older (new to me) camera, back in New York.

Ok, that's it.

No it's not, here's one more. I was trying to take a picture of these little guys the whole time I was out, but I couldn't get close enough to them (zoomed all the way in with the macro setting you need to be about a foot away, but it's better to be zoomed all the way out, and be only two inches or so away, and that's tough with living subjects). Then this one landed on me, which made it really easy. I figured it was related to dragonflies in some way, so I checked What's That Bug? and it's a damselfly, though I don't know exactly what kind, and it seems neither do they. It's one of those species that has lots and lots of varieties, and who can be bothered, really, other than those with degrees on the line? Anyway, they're neat little guys.

Ok, that's really it.

My Future Building

2008-07-22T11:56:00.002-05:00

So this is the front of the building I want to buy on Montrose. The first floor is the very out of business Liberty Printing (do you think there's still printing equipment inside?) and the second and third floors are apartments. There are some broken windows, and the stairs in the back look pretty well rotted, but I have seen a single light on at night. Though I never saw any footsteps in the snow in winter. If anyone does live there, they must be very cold (or very hot). Anyway, just as soon as I get a bunch of money together, I'm buying this building. Then, when I get another big bunch of money together, I'll fix it up. Yeah, so probably never.

Now This One is Really Special

2008-07-22T00:08:00.004-05:00

This is a really special one. Dead birds, as you might have figured out, aren't that hard to come across. But this one is unusual. Generally, if something start to eat a bird, it gets further than this. But we've got a whole wing, a whole foot, and part of the body. Who knows, maybe there was a fight, maybe it was another bird, and it got scared off by something bigger. Anyway, it's one of my favorites. December 20th, 2007.

Another Squashed One

2008-07-22T00:07:00.001-05:00

This is another squashed one. June 15th, 2008, cellphone.

I Have No Memory of This What so Ever

2008-07-22T00:00:00.003-05:00

I have no idea what this picture is. It was taken on June 6th, 2008, with the cellphone. It might not even be dead. It might be the living, though injured, bird I saw near work. It was some sort of shore bird, with a long beak, that had a hurt wing, and was flopping around. This looks like it might have a longish beak, but I'm not sure. Yeah, so this post sucks.

Holy Steamroller, Batman!

2008-07-20T14:03:00.003-05:00

This is obviously a Robin.

Not Turdus migratorius, or Turdus rufopalliatus, but Turdus pancakus.

There are a few more pictures from my phone, but that's enough for today I think.

I Don't Wanna Go Belly-Up!

2008-07-20T13:56:00.002-05:00

Not terribly compelling. Although, it was taken on October 31st, 2007. Ooo, spooky.

Actually, I just realized this is the one that fell on me, because I remember writing that I had seen two other dead birds the same week it fell on me, and those two must be the two from 10/23. So I take it all back. It IS compelling. A dead bird fell on me on HALLOWEEN.

The Sky is Falling! The Sky is Falling!

2008-07-20T13:50:00.002-05:00

This is another one from October 23rd, 2007. I'm pretty sure this is the one that fell on me. Yeah, that's right. It fell on me. Right out of the sky. I've been working on a flash non-fiction piece about it, but so far it hasn't come together.

Another Mess

2008-07-20T13:46:00.001-05:00

There's no telling what this guy is, either. He's got a tiny spot of yellow on his crown, but that's not much to go on. Taken with the phone, October 23rd, 2007.

Ruff Ruff Ruff

2008-07-20T13:38:00.002-05:00

This guy is from June 1st, 2007. I don't know what the hell he is. He's flat is what he is. He looks kinda like the birds from Duck Hunt.

Northern Flicker

2008-07-20T13:23:00.003-05:00

This is the first dead bird picture I took, taken with my phone on April 12th, 2007. It's a Northern Flicker of the Yellow-shafted variety. My bird guide says they are "common in open woodlands and suburban areas..." I took this picture near the corner of Monroe and Wabash. Maybe he was lost.

Camera!

2008-07-15T19:04:00.005-05:00

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have a project where I take pictures of dead birds I come across in the city. The problem is that I have no camera except my phone, which is not a good camera at all. For whatever reason, my dad finds this project compelling, and I was able to persuade him to lend me his old digital camera. This is the first picture I took, using the macro setting:

How nice of these flies to make more little flies for birds to eat so the birds can make more little birds so the birds can die and I can take pictures of them.

So Many Scary Things

2008-07-15T10:12:00.004-05:00

There's something very scary about this picture from the
New York Times. I can't think what it is. Um. Let me think.
Ok, people lining up. That's ok. People lining up, where? At
a bank. People lining up at a bank. Oh. Right. That's why
it's scary. Cause it's kind of like this:

Ok, so it's just one bank, and there aren't really runs on
any banks, yada yada. It's not even as bad as the 80's, let
alone the 30's. But still. You know. It's scary.

Worst Email Checking Ever

2008-07-12T15:54:00.002-05:00

I just checked my email, and it was the worst batch of emails I've had in a long time.

I had one from work saying they'd hired someone full time, so they didn't need me, which was a bummer because I figured I had at least nailed down 2 days of work. Oh well.

I also had an email from Rumble rejecting my story. Quite a bummer.

What a shitty bunch of emails.

Flight

2008-07-12T15:48:00.004-05:00

So, the first Brown Line train to the loop runs at 4:46am on weekdays. That's the one I wanted for my flight on Thursday. My flight was at 7:30, so I figured I would get there around 6, if everything went smoothly, which is too early, but with two train lines to take there was a decent chance everything would not go smoothly.

But I woke up at 5:30. It was terrible. It was awful. I was outside looking for a cab by 6. I went to the Western and Montrose intersection, figuring that would be the best place to look for a cab. But there are not a lot of cabs at 6, no matter where you are. The first one I saw passed by and didn't pick, me up, which made me quite angry. I had given up and was on my way back to my apartment to call Southwest and figure out what to do, when another cab came down Montrose. This one stopped, and I made it to the airport by 7. I got through security and got my gate when they were half way through boarding.

The whole thing sucked, and I never want to do that again. Ever.

Rafa!

2008-07-06T16:05:00.002-05:00

That was too much. I need a nap.

50 Year Plan

2008-07-05T10:32:00.004-05:00

Here's a quote from a current New Yorker article (the bolding is mine, though really, every sentence deserves it):

When carbon dioxide is released into the air, about a third ends up, in relatively short order, in the oceans. (CO₂ dissolves in water to form a weak acid; this is the cause of the phenomenon known as “ocean acidification.”) A quarter is absorbed by terrestrial ecosystems—no one is quite sure exactly how or where—and the rest remains in the atmosphere. If current trends in emissions continue, then sometime within the next four or five decades the chemistry of the oceans will have been altered to such a degree that many marine organisms—including reef-building corals—will be pushed toward extinction. Meanwhile, atmospheric CO₂ levels are projected to reach five hundred and fifty parts per million—twice pre-industrial levels—virtually guaranteeing an eventual global temperature increase of three or more degrees. The consequences of this warming are difficult to predict in detail, but even broad, conservative estimates are terrifying: at least fifteen and possibly as many as thirty per cent of the planet’s plant and animal species will be threatened; sea levels will rise by several feet; yields of crops like wheat and corn will decline significantly in a number of areas where they are now grown as staples; regions that depend on glacial runoff or seasonal snowmelt—currently home to more than a billion people—will face severe water shortages; and what now counts as a hundred-year drought will occur in some parts of the world as frequently as once a decade.

I agree. From everything I've read, which is getting to be quite a lot now, I'd say that 40 to 50 years is the right range. By that point, life for many billions of people on this planet will be markedly worse than it is now.

You might hear some people suggest there is hope, in the form of technological advances, and moves toward "green" energy and products. I'd have to say that all of these solutions can safely be put under the heading "too little, too late." Even worse, some are just fads, or marketing gimmicks to make a company look enviro-friendly. Look at your grocery store. They probably have an aisle devoted to "green," and "organic" products. What then, do they sell in the other 18 aisles? Some clothing companies sell "green" shirts, made of organic cotton. What are their other 40 products made of?

I like to buy eggs (not my picture) that are "certified organic," from free-range chickens, free of antibiotics, and hormones. But these eggs come not just in plastic packaging, but in excessive plastic packaging, with an extra flap that comes down over the eggs, for no apparent reason. Why don't they come in the same simple cardboard as other eggs? I don't know. Probably because the company's logo and rhetoric are easier to present on a nice, flat piece of cardboard they can attach to the plastic, instead of printed on bumpy cardboard, where the text and images would look dull.

This is probably the point where I should talk about what we can do to help. Um.

When you consider that, in a single day, a golf course uses as much water as a family of four uses in four years, it doesn't seem likely that "grassroots" is really the way to go. What can a factory owner do? Quite a lot. What can I do? I don't know, write a letter?

I'm sorry, is that wrong? As a member of this young, new generation, am I supposed to make love to the idea of grassroots? Tough shit. One factory changing its process to use less water and less energy and less material would be as effective as an entire city using "low flow" toilets and showers. Not to mention that it's unlikely that an entire city will ever do that.

So what can we do? I'd say, think long and hard before you conceive any children. If you're 20 years or older, you have a decent chance of being dead before things get really, really bad. If you're under 2o years old, well, best of luck "carrying the fire."

Not Quite the Same Thing

2008-06-30T16:18:00.003-05:00

So, I checked the mail today hoping the Fiction at Work stickers arrived, as it's been a week since they printed, and that's how long the company says they should take to arrive.

The stickers did not arrive.

Instead, I found a rejection from the The Sun Magazine. Stickers, on the one hand, rejection letter on the other. Stickers, rejection, stickers, rejection. Not quite the same thing, not quite the same feeling. Stupid mail.

Dead Birds

2008-06-30T10:29:00.007-05:00

So, I have this photo project I'm working on. Dead birds. Whenever I see one, I take a picture. It's a bit of a strange project, I realize, but it's a fun project. The biggest problem is I don't have a camera, so I have to use my phone, but I can't seem to get the pictures off my phone. It always freezes up when I try to send them. Anyway, I took this one last month with my dad's camera. It's a good one.

Some Teeny Tiny Classes and Their Big Big Effects

2008-06-28T20:46:00.002-05:00

So, I'd just like to say that as far as life changing things go, and it's not the sort of grandiose, romantic statement I like to make, but as far as life changing things go, I'd have to say that Flash I, Flash II, and Miniature were fairly important classes in my development as a writer. Yeah, ok. That's enough mushy stuff.

This Post Will Change Your Life

2008-06-28T20:36:00.002-05:00

Hurray! This Zine Will Change Your Life took "Man-2." It will run in August or September. It's a great journal, you should take a look.

No Shit!

2008-06-25T16:48:00.005-05:00

I try to keep the hyperbole to a minimum in these posts, try not to yell and scream and curse. But sometimes, I just can't contain myself. So, here goes:

No shit, you dumb fucking mother fucking idiots! Of course the exurbs are bad idea! Of course building giant houses miles and miles away from any jobs are a bad fucking idea, you dumb fucking shits, you stupid fucking pieces of garbage! It takes high gas prices to make you realize that? Are you fucking stupid? Were you exposed to radiation? Were you dropped on your head? Your house is now worth less than you paid for it 10 years ago? Too fucking bad you fucking idiot. You bought a house in the middle of nowhere and have to drive 50 miles to get to work, what did you think was going to happen? Now you want to live in a place where you can take the train, but you can't sell your house because you'd lose lots of money? Fuck you. Goddamn.

Whew. Ok. So I got that out. Sorry. That was maybe a little over the top, but good lord. These people are just so stupid. Ok. That's enough. Again, sorry. I get carried away sometimes.

Lines Not in My Movie 4

2008-06-21T08:15:00.001-05:00

"Bullshit, you can be mine."

nor

"Because I was inverted."

Pyramid

2008-06-16T18:04:00.001-05:00

The Pyramid story is now up at elimae

Lines Not in My Movie 3

2008-06-16T18:01:00.001-05:00

"I had a nightmare, a terrible nightmare!"

"It’s over. None of that happened."

Summer: Actually Here? Or Just Another Tease?

2008-06-12T18:21:00.002-05:00

I'd say it's actually here. It's been sunny and hot, just the way I like it, and there's been lots of biking and running and swimming (well, dunking under, followed by panicked racing out of the frigid Lake Michigan water) and Frisbee and baking in the sun.

It's been good.

It's been great.

My Name Was Dropped! Yeah!

2008-06-11T23:36:00.004-05:00

Mary and Lindsay dropped my name in their interview, in response to the question "who are some of your favorite readers at Quickies?"

Yeah, they did.

And I'm very happy to brag about it.

You can also go here, right to source.

Those Damn Flying White Things

2008-06-07T19:47:00.002-05:00

Ack! They were floating all over the place. Some sort of nasty pollen. It sucked. I had to take my contacts out, my eyes were so irritated.

Blerg.

Idiot!

2008-06-07T09:03:00.003-05:00

This idiot is pissing people off already. Obama has no experience, and no idea what he's doing. He's opening himself to attack and the primary has been over for what? two days?

He rode the wave of Generation Fluff, but didn't win the swing states, the ones that will actually matter in November. I wouldn't be all that surprised if he blew the whole thing.

Blerg.

What is Happening?

2008-06-07T08:50:00.002-05:00

These allergies came out of no where. And they are terrible and powerful and miserable. Blerg.

Putting on the Nerd Hat

2008-06-07T00:01:00.001-05:00

Lines Not in My Movie 2

2008-06-05T22:24:00.000-05:00

"Assimilate this."

I Spoke Too Soon

2008-06-03T14:27:00.002-05:00

I thought the Mets were back on the winning road. But perhaps not.

Whew

2008-06-02T21:06:00.000-05:00

The Mets are winning a little again. Thank goodness.

elimae

2008-05-29T16:05:00.002-05:00

eilmae took Pyramid. Posting June 15th, or 16th.

And I went on my longest run so far this summer, and the Paper & Carriage release is tonight, and the Lost finale is tonight.

It's a rather good day, isn't it?

Lines Not in My Movie 1

2008-05-28T16:26:00.001-05:00

"Buckle your seatbelt, Dorothy, cause Kansas is going bye-bye."

Review of My Last Orange

2008-05-27T00:50:00.002-05:00

The last Orange I ate was Sweet and Flavorful, if a little Dry.

What a Lark!

2008-05-12T23:59:00.002-05:00

Oooo, lookie, my audio is out there. Burning.

Little Boy

Dorothy Parker

2008-05-05T23:12:00.002-05:00

Radio Address #1

2008-02-09T18:29:00.000-06:00

Bundles

Good News for People Who Like Bad News

2007-07-15T01:32:00.000-05:00

I like to make sure everyone gets their daily dose of cheery news, so here you go!

Fertilizer!

I always say mean things about golf because of the water waste, and it's getting a little old. Good to add a new one to the arsenal.

Trifecta!

2007-07-14T20:27:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I was cutting through the Notebaert Nature Museum after a run, hoping to see some herons. I’ve seen a few great blue herons around North Pond, so it figured to be a good bet. It also didn’t hurt that it was sunset.

After looking in a few trees I still hadn’t seen anything exciting, and was about ready to right it off as an evening of nothing but mallards. But then I saw something that could only be a heron, but it certainly wasn’t a blue heron. I looked it up at home, and decided it was a black-crowned night heron. I was excited. It was the first time I had ever seen this species.

So, this Thursday I walked the same way, hoping to another night heron. I looked in the tree where I saw the first one, and there was a blue heron wading in the shallows, but no night heron. I checked the next few trees, but saw no herons.

Then I saw another blue heron stalking around some submerged roots. I scanned the rest of the tree, and saw a funny little bird I’d never seen before. It had a greenish head, a brownish breast, and a white stripe on its neck. It had to be a green heron (look at the second picture--that's more how it looked. And how it was behaving). A blue heron and a green heron in the same tree. And then wait, could it be? Yes! The night heron was in the tree too! Three species of heron in the same tree!

It was the best nature experience I’ve had in at least six months.

Googled

2007-06-28T22:21:00.000-05:00

Fiction at Work is indexed in Google! Hurray!

Hmm…maybe I should update the stories more.

Ahh, who cares? Who searches for “fiction at work” anyway?

But still…Hurray!

Where's Shackleton When You Need Him?

2007-06-28T22:09:00.000-05:00

Bob: Thanks for sitting down with us for this chat.

Toby: No prob Bob.

Bob: You’ve had sort of a tough run the last two days, what with the flight, the shopping, the BBQ, the Mets game. Can you tell us what it’s been like?

Toby: Sure Bob. The flight really wasn’t so bad. I booked the flight online, and it was good and cheap, about $100 Midway to Islip/MacArthur. It’s a route I’ve taken before, so there aren’t many surprises, but when I got to the terminal they announced, “now boarding for flight 682, non-stop service to Baltimore, with continuing service to Islip.”

Bob: That must have been quite a shock.

Toby: It was Bob, it was. But the flight was fine, only about an hour longer to get to New York than otherwise, but ok in the end. The screaming kids on the second leg left something to be desired, but the worst consequence of the flight was to make me feel like an idiot.

Bob: We’ve all been there.

Toby: We sure have Bob, we sure have.

Bob: And after all that, what did you come home to?

Toby: Shopping Bob, shopping. Now I wouldn’t say that Costco is Hell. But I would say it’s Purgatory. It’s a bunch of spoiled Long Islanders bitterly jockeying for cheese the way people in India fight for access to the water truck.

Bob: Not a pretty sight.

Toby: No Bob, not a pretty sight at all.

Bob: And while you were there you got some bad news, didn’t you?

Toby: I sure did Bob, I sure did.

Bob: Tell us about it.

Toby: Well Bob, I found out there was a miscommunication about the BBQ I wanted my friend to have, and the BBQ is planned for Saturday.

Bob: What’s wrong with that? Saturday’s a great day, the weekend, should be nice weather.

Toby: What’s wrong with that Bob? Well, Saturday is the day of my mother’s 60^th birthday party, that’s what’s wrong with that.

Bob: Oh dear, that won’t work at all, will it?

Toby: No Bob, it sure won’t.

Bob: Mothers don’t like to be disappointed, do they.

Toby: They sure don’t Bob, they sure don’t.

Bob: But at least you had the Mets game to go to, as a sort of consolation prize.

Toby: That was the plan Bob, but the game was rained out. And the word is, they’re going to wait to the end of the season to make a decision about the make-up, and only make-up the game if it’s necessary to either team. Even if they play the game, I probably won’t be able to come back to New York then, so it doesn’t work out too well for me.

Bob: That sure does sound like trouble.

Toby: Trouble indeed Bob. Trouble indeed.

Bob: Well Toby, I hope the rest of your trip goes a little better.

Toby: Thanks, Bob, I do too.

Bob: Thanks for talking with us.

Toby: Thank you Bob, my pleasure.

Rocket

2007-06-21T23:18:00.000-05:00

On Thursday night Roger Clemens had a shot to win his 350^th game. But he and the Yankees lost to the Rockies.

I don’t really care. It’s just a good excuse to comment on what a moron Roger Clemens is. I submit as evidence his assertion that he thought the broken bat he threw at Mike Piazza was the ball. Yes, that’s right, he thought a foot-long piece of jagged wood was a three inch leather ball. That makes him either an idiot or an asshole.

I suspect he’s both.

Lentils and Shopping

2007-06-20T11:45:00.000-05:00

I made some lentils for dinner last night. They were mighty tasty, with some chicken bouillon, cumin, and cayenne pepper. And don’t forget, lentils require less water to grow than many other crops (sadly, I can't find my reference for this, but I'll keep looking).

And now a little tidbit for all you summer shoppers, from my favorite little book, Affluenza:

“According to an EPA study in conjunction with the U.N. Taskforce on Global Developmental Impact, consumer-product diversity now exceeds biodiversity. According to the study, for the first time in history, the rich array of consumer products available in malls and supermarkets surpasses the number of living species populating the planet.”

Affluenza is a wonderful book. But don’t buy it—borrow it from me or the library. Or, go ahead and buy it. We don’t have a chance either way.

Ow Pop

2007-06-12T21:12:00.000-05:00

I was just eating an ice pop and my lip froze to it. You know, the way the kids’ tongues stick to the flag pole in the movies? Normally when this happens (I eat a lot of ice pops, it happens a lot), normally I wait it out or get some warm water.

I don’t know why, but I was very impatient tonight, so I just pulled. Yanked it right off. And it took skin with it. Yes—there was a nasty white lump of skin on the ice pop. And my lip was bleeding.

It’s the first ice pop related injury I’ve ever had. Plus, the acidic strawberry content of the ice pop stung the sore area, so the whole experience was ruined.

I feel I have to share this story for the benefit of others. I don’t want this to happen to anyone else. I hope I can help make the world a better place.

The Man

2007-06-10T11:29:00.000-05:00

To think! I've actually defended Microsoft because of the philanthropy of Bill Gates.

That's the end of that.

I tried to set up a website with their Office Live program. They offer free hosting, free domain registry, and an unlimited number of pages. Those are all very good things.

But guess what? The website I made doesn't work with FireFox. And if their sites doesn't work with FF, it will drive people to IE. That's the plan anyway. More likely it will piss people off. Maybe that's why FF's market share has gone up 10(!) points since January.

Damn The Man!

Where's the Green Arrow when you need him?

Updated 6/11

Ok, so things aren’t as bad as I thought. It turns out the site does pretty much work on FF and Safari. It just takes a tiny bit of reworking. I take back the mean things I said.

Certain Something in the Air Ain't Love

2007-06-09T11:18:00.000-05:00

I walked past St. Clement's Catholic Church on Saturday, and there was a wedding in progress. The limo drivers were waiting for the wedding guests to emerge. And they left the cars running. All five of them. With not a single person in any of them. Five big V8's chugging away. Give me a break.

Unfit

2007-06-08T01:25:00.000-05:00

Ok, so my blog is mostly complaints. But there's so much to complain about!

Here's some idiots and their Fennec Foxes. Only one problem: Fennec Foxes aren't suitable pets.

Not everything that looks like a dog is a dog. People need to remember that dogs are very different from their wolf, fox, and coyote cousins. Fennec Foxes are often untrainable, often can't be housebroken, and never stop biting. Putting a wild animal in a house or on a farm isn't what makes it domestic. It's a long process that results in fundamental changes to the species. Just because a few members of a species is tamed, doesn't mean the rest of the species should be brought indoors.

What a stupid species we are.

Poop

2007-06-08T01:22:00.001-05:00

Four games in a row? What's the problem Mets?

Being There

2007-06-06T23:51:00.000-05:00

Here's a picture of the Pope, and the crowd around him (this is the trip when someone tried to jump in his car). Look at the people around him. They're not looking at him. They're looking at their viewfinders. I think that's sad.

AP photo by Plinio Lepri

Making Headlines

2007-06-06T12:34:00.000-05:00

My homepage is still Yahoo! even though I don't use my Yahoo! email anymore. Why? Because their crappy news service is so often entertaining. I read an article today about how tyrannosaurus rex was probably a much slower mover than people think. The article had an ad for another story, part of some kind of 60 Minutes/Yahoo! tie-in. The headline was "Making Rats Gay?" Now, I have to say, I love any talk of gay animals. What a problem they are for religious righters and the "it's a sin" crew!

So I clicked. I went to a page with a whole bunch of 60 Minutes videos, most of them about sexuality. This time the rat video was called "Creating Gay Rats?"

The video has a Michigan State biologist demonstrating the behavioral changes in rats when their testosterone levels are altered just after birth; male rats act like females, females like males. The interviewer asks, "so you made a gay rat." The researcher replies, "I wouldn't say that these are gay rats."

Ok, Ok, I'll grant you that "But I will say that these are genetic male rats who are showing much more feminine behavior" is a bad headline. But when the researcher in your clip says the nice-scientist version of "no, you stupid idiot, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," it makes "gay rats" a pretty misleading headline.

I also liked when the interviewer commented on the male rat, "eww--look at him," with a repulsed lip-curl. Way to report! It's a rat. In a cage. Not a cut-up rat, not a rat crawling around her ankle. So who is she? I don't know, there is no mention of her next to the clip, or on the webpage.

Way to go 60 Minutes! Schreiber High School put out better videos.

How Many Errors Does it Take for the Pitcher to Punch the Catcher?

2007-06-01T23:42:00.000-05:00

Two. But the official scorer was generous.

I decided last minute to go to Friday's Cubs' game, against the hated, despicable, southern, Braves, hopefully to see the Mets' biggest rival get walloped. Instead the Cubs' SS Theriot lost the second pitch of the game in the sun and stood helpless as the ball fell next to him. It wasn't scored an error. Don't ask me why. The sun is a normal part of baseball. Balls have gotten lost in the glare since balls were invented. It was an error. He had it, he called the other fielders off, then shrugged his shoulders.

Theriot had another non-error when he dropped a relay throw from the outfield. It didn't cost anything, but it sure made him look like an goat who belongs in AAA. Or AA. Or plain old A. Or working as a bank teller.

Another non-error was Ramirez's bobbled grounder that reduced an easy double play to a simple out a first.

Then of course, there were the two fuckups that actually got scored as errors: Murton losing a ball in the sun and letting it drop right next to him, and the catcher Barret allowing a passed-ball, letting a runner try for to third. How did Barret react? He sailed the ball into the outfield, letting in a run.

I was on the third base side so I couldn't see into the Cubs' dugout, and had to find out about the dustup later. I wanted the Braves to get walloped, but it was Barret who got it. Zambrano punched him right in the mouth, split his lip. Ha! He deserved it.

All I want to know is, why didn't he hit Theriot, Murton, and Ramirez too?

What a bunch of fuckups.

Ooo wait! Soriano gunned a guy down at the plate with a perfect one-hop throw from deep left. It was thrilling. And pretty much the only thing worth the ticket price.

This American Kick in the Teeth

2007-05-31T12:38:00.000-05:00

Thanks Ira Glass for that wonderful plea. Thanks for reaching out to podcast listeners with a private message just for us. Us “middle class people” who support the show. That’s nice. I’m sure no rich people ever contribute, and I’m sure no low-income families ever sacrifice a trip to the movies to support a good cause. Certainly not the way the “middle class people like you and me” do.

But of course, as we know, “a lot of people are freeloaders.” Must be the non-middle class listeners. And, by the way, it’s me. I’m a freeloader. I haven’t contributed to a dime to WBEZ. It’s a shame too—I’d like to be in the middle class. Too bad I get such pleasure from freeloading. Or wait—maybe there’s another reason I don’t contribute. Maybe I’m a student, eating a steady diet of pasta, rice, and PB&J so I can stay inside my monthly budget. Maybe when I had a job, back in Michigan, I did contribute to my local station, WFMU. Maybe I contributed more than the 30 cents, 5, or 10 dollars you asked for. Maybe I contributed 50 dollars. Maybe I donated similar amounts to The Red Cross, The ASPCA, and Doctors Without Borders. Maybe I did it with an income that put me in the bottom third of American households. Can you believe it? Is that even possible? Contributing with a non-middle class income? No, no. I must be lying. That’s a common trait among freeloaders.

And thanks too for offering to make it “worth [my] while” to donate, by promising me some “merch.” (And really nice job sounding “hip,” by the way.) Isn’t this about a radio show? A quality radio show? Isn’t what you’re giving away? Isn’t that what’s supposed to make it worth my while? Not pointless crap? I want stories about American life, not a poster. I want stories about American life, not a collection of stories about American…wait. So one of the “special” things you’re giving away is content from the show? I have that on my computer already, and it doesn’t require any extra plastic that will one day end up in the landfill, or any extra shipping material, which will also end up in the landfill.

We’re all used to annoying (though—and we all understand—necessary) pledge drives on public broadcasting networks. But that’s just it—we’re used to them being annoying. Not rude. Not insulting.

But maybe that was just a story in disguise. Maybe that was a story about this American life. A story about hawking wares. About promoting consumption, promoting class stereotypes. Maybe it was just meant to show us that even the things we think are better, that are above the daily nastiness, are just as mired as the rest of us.

Commerical Lanscape

2007-05-25T12:18:00.000-05:00

So I’ve been watching TV at NBC.com. They let you watch shows for the small price of watching a few commercials. You watch about 8 minutes of show, watch one commercial, then another 8 minutes of show, etc. And it’s the same commercial each break.

The one I’ve been seeing a lot lately is for the T-Mobile Sidekick ID. The kids in the commercial talk to each other with their nifty phone to plan a sillystring fight on mall escalators.

The message is—unless I’m missing something here—buy this piece of plastic (filled with mercury, bromium, arsenic, cadmium, lead, chromium, so on and so forth), so you can organize pointless aerosol spraying (from single-use, non-recyclable metal cans), and leave the mess for the underpaid mall cleanup crew (who will use all of the plastic-bottled, toxic cleaners at their disposal).

Cool!

CSS

2007-04-30T23:34:00.000-05:00

Brazil's CSS will be at Lollapalooza this year. Enjoy!

Let's Make Love and Listen to Death From Above

Alala

Book Nominees for 2006

2006-12-09T11:50:00.000-06:00

And the winners are... Haruki Murakami and Seth Kantner!

Here they are, the nominees for best book of 2005:

Ordinary Wolves	Seth Kantner	Fiction
Tender Bar, The	J.R. Moehringer	Non-Fiction
Arthur & George	Julian Barnes	Fiction
Never Let Me Go	Kazuo Ishiguro	Fiction
Kafka on the Shore	Haruki Murakami	Fiction
Saturday	Ian McEwan	Fiction
Assassination Vacation	Sarah Vowell	Travel

Some Videos for You

2006-11-13T13:12:00.000-06:00

Kiwi!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdUUx5FdySs

Novel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ow2ZZWNYNY

Classes

2006-11-10T14:22:00.000-06:00

For Spring '07 I've got:

Classes:
Novel Workshop
Point of View
Style & Voice (Holy 9 am Batman!)

Advising:
Carol Anshaw
Mary Cross

consumeconsumeconsumeconsumeconsume

2006-10-24T21:04:00.000-05:00

A picture I took at the 2006 US Open.

Tigers

2006-10-23T09:46:00.000-05:00

On a recent trip to the Lincoln Park Zoo, I saw a child attack a wall. He ran up to an interpretive display about the threatened extinction of tigers, complete with cartoons of hunters and loggers, and began slapping it, yelling, "Take this, and this, and this! This is what you get for hunting tigers!" I didn't want to embarrass him, so I tried my best to hide my smile, but it was hard. He was refreshingly different from the hordes of delinquents who hit only glass barriers, in order to frighten the animals into movement, that I couldn't contain my excitement.

It can be upsetting to watch the larger or smarter members of a zoo's collection pacing, as they often do, the lengths of their inadequate enclosures, for the benefit of uninterested and misinformed guests. Guests who taunt the animals, or worse, harm them. (The Zoo has a one-armed Gibbon. He injured the other arm reaching for something thrown by a visitor. Happily, he adapted well, and is still quite an acrobat.)

Looking at unhappy and injured animals shakes my confidence in zoos, but I remind myself of the breeding programs that zoos are involved in, and the dozens of species that would no longer exist if it weren't for the populations sustained in captivity. But, though monumental and vital achievements, the successes often occur in remote areas and, therefore, are emotionally remote as well. This child's display was an immediate and gratifying illustration of the power of zoos.

I know, it was just some kid hitting a piece of plastic. The world won't change, right? But if the feeling got into him deeply enough, it won't leave him. I still remember the anger I felt after attending two seminars at the Bronx Zoo, one about wolves, the other about tigers, when I was about the same age. Oh sure, he may not become the Cousteau of the cats—I didn't—but he may make different choices in his everyday life than he would have otherwise—I do. And if enough children get turned on by powerful, if pacing, predators, it might actually make a difference. If we could only explain that to the caged cats, they might feel better about their situation.

And oh yeah, Go Detroit!

EPD

2006-10-15T00:43:00.000-05:00

There is an epidemic sweeping the English speaking world--EPD: Exclamation Point Disorder! People affected by EPD use exclamation points at completely innapropriate times! Extensive research has determined that this behavior is one of the most annoying behaviors ever known! But there is good news! The signs are easy to spot! Those affected by EPD use EP's all the time! It is easiest to spot this symtom in print, but if you do not have access to a writing sample, be on the lookout for exessive hyperbole and unblinking eyes! The populations with the highest risk of developing EPD are TV executives, advertisers, and idiots! If you know someone who is showing signs of EPD there is hope, but it is important to act quickly! Let the victim know that you are concerned about them, and encourage them to contact an editor immediately! There are many online style and grammar resources, but with a condition as serious as EPD it is important to speak directly to a trained profesional!

You can also make a difference by writing to your representatives in Congress, and encouraging them to support legislation prohibiting the use of EP's by minors, or to establish a licensing program!

If you are already an EP user, it is never too late to quit! But remember, the safest way to avoid EPD is to never start!